Saturday, 25 December 2010

How To Lose A Guy In 7 Ways

  1. Show him you've been paying attention.
    Mimic him. Try to talk exactly like him, laugh exactly like him. Try to even think like him. The best flattery is to mimic the person you like. Wearing/buying clothes that look like his is going to far…but wearing his underwear isn't.
  2. Mesmerize him with your wonderful vocabulary.
    Wow him with your text friendly acronyms as MUCH as possible. (OMG, J/K, TTYL, W/E) when he gets tired of this then include more advance words for example: like, totally, for realz, get out, that's hot and my favorite nu uh!
  3. Make X your favorite letter and his worst nightmare.
    Include your ex's to social activities with your current boyfriend as much possible. Need ideas for activities? CPR training (pick your ex as your partner), pottery classes (think Ghost), shopping (but only ask your ex to come to the fitting room).
  4. Be all up in his Facebook
    Send and accept as many friend request as possible. Constantly update your status with every mundane task. Oh and all of those friends you've made yeah they are your new therapist/friends. Don't be afraid to tell them all of your problems and business. In graphic detail. Sooner or later your boyfriend will realize that you're not happy, he'll want to talk to you and you'll use your new words that you've acquired and say "We can't be b/f and g/f anymore but it's w/e cause we can still be friend. Ttys" Now you can change your status to "Single"
  5. Make his opinion count…for NADA! He likes you with long hair, you're getting a rihanna hair cut. He says go left, go right. He wants Italian you want Sushi! You get my jist. 
  6. Watch him in his sleep...all night long. Think "She's the Man" and when he wakes up make sure he knows he's been watch all night long. He'll be able to tell with your dark circles and your crazy hair.
  7. Talk in baby talk all day with babys breath…no I'm not talking about the flower I'm talking about your mouth smelling like milk and vomit. Just like a baby.
I'm tired of all these self help book trying to help you get a man… sometimes you gotta get rid of one. But if you don't wanna go through all of these steps maybe you just need to say "Nigga we over, i've found me another man (or sugar daddy if you want it to sound like the real thing) who wants to pay my bills" and if he's still not buying it then just top it off with "Plus I gotta have a baby soon cause my eggs time bomb is a ticking and he's willing to support all of this and move to College Park to have our wonderful[ghetto]family" Babies and Money always make guys leave, at least that's what i've been told.

Sunday, 12 December 2010

The Care and Ownership of Your Boobs/Junk

1. If you jiggle, wear a bra. This means you. (Yes, you) it is not antifeminist.
2. No matter how puny your equipment, don't wear the kind with giant pads inside. If a guy "accidently" bumps into them (like in a steamy car, or on the make out couch) he will wonder why they feel like Nerf balls instead of boobs. And if you forget and wear a normal bra one day, everyone will then speculate on the strange expanding and contracting nature of your boobage. 
3. Do not adjust your self more than twice around the ladies. The first time is cause your uncomfortable, the second time is cause you thought you got away with it with no girls seeing and the third time yeah you just playing with yourself
4. This is when I think everyone should be a little bit Jewish. Circumcision. Nuff said. 
5. A helpful hint: for optimal shape , go in the bathroom stall and hike them up inside the bra.
6. Do not perform the above maneuver in public, no matter how urgent you think it is. 
7. For those who hold their junk (ehm..Niggaz) Do you think it's going to go somewhere? Either wear your pant's higher or keep your hands away from your junk. 
8. If your wondering what should hold your junk...Boxers or Briefs? It should be Boxers. Maybe Boxer Briefs...but I'm advertising this. Just advertising that i don't want to see your panties almost look like mine. 
9. Get yourself sized! Every few months to makes sure your still the same size and after you've lost/gained weight. Cause we want your boobs to be the best boobs they can be, well supported and higher for optimal perkiness. 
10. Colored bra's should match your outfit or be flesh tone. Unless your making statement, and in that case I would like to make a statement too. You hiz-whore no one wants to see your bra. 
11. Self examination: What do you think Mo-vember was for? For your health?! Wait it actually is was. So check your junk. If it's looks a little funky or feels a but lumpy. Get checked. 
12. Self examination: Feel for abnormal lumps around your boob and underarm area. Mammograms yearly if there is history of breast cancer in your family.  Plus this is reason to say someone touched your boobs. You just don't have to tell them it was you or doctor! 

Thursday, 9 December 2010

Boy-Speak An Introduction To A Foreign Language

What he says: I never felt this was before.
What is understood: He loves me!
What he means: Can we get to the nether regions now?

What he says: I’ll call you
What is understood: He’ll call me
What he means: I don’t want to see you again.

What he says: It’s not you it’s me.
What is understood: He’s got something meaningful going on in his life tha’s blacking him from being anyone’s boyfriend, even mine. Even though he likes me so much.
What he means: It's you not me.

What he says: You deserve better.
What is understood: He cares so much for me, he wants the best for me even if it means he'll have to give me up. 
What he means: I deserve better. 

What he says: We're just a different points in out lives.
What is understood: I don't know where i'll be or want in a few years and I don't want to drag you down with me. 
What he means: You're beneath me. (That's what she said) 

What he says: I need to focus on my career. 
What is understood: He wants to be stable in his career before he is stable in his relationship
What he means: I'm crushing on a coworker. 

What he says: I wish it could have worked out between us.
What is understood: There is something that is blocking his ability to be with me. 
What he means: I wish I didn't have to have this conversation. 

What he says: I don't want a girlfriend right now. 
What is understood: I'm gay. 
What he means: I'm interested in someone else. (Probably your best friend) 

What he says: I'm just not your type
What is understood: We just don't mesh well together. It's his fault. 
What he means: You're not my type. 

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Rules for Dating in The Singles Ward

 When I was in high school I kept a journal and I loved making lists. Just random list of things you should or shouldn't do. One of these list was Rules for dating in School. But as I was looking at the list I realized that alot of these still apply just with a few tweaks & changes. Changed to Dating in the Singles Ward

Rules for Dating in the Singles Ward
1. Don't kiss in the foyer, YSA activities or staircase better yet in any small enclosed space near a crowd of people. It annoys everyone. 
2. Don't let your boyfriend walk with his hand on your butt either. It is even more annoying than the kissing in public. 
3. If your friend of yours has no date for some ysa activity and you do, you must do reconnaissance work and find out who might be available to take your friend. 
4. Never ever kiss someones else's boyfriend. If status is unclear, ask around and find out. Double check your facts. Unless you roll like that. And In that case girl keep away from boyfriend (if I had one) cause s#!+ about to go down. 
5. If your friend has already said she likes a guy and you like him too. Then you my friends have a friendly competition. There is no dibs on guys and no back stabbing on girlfriends. Seriously most of the guys in the ward aren't worth losing a good friend over. *Notice I wrote good friend*. 
6. Don't ignore your friends once you get a boyfriend. This is a no-no.
7. Dating doesn't have to be everybody's business. Actually it shouldn't. I should only know if you Break Up, Get Engaged or If Maury tells you he is the Father! 

 I know this list isn't complete. But if you have any suggestions leave a comment and any funny/good add-on to the rules will be added to the official list in a few days.
Post Scriptum: If your on Maury then you got bigger problems.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Is he Melvin, when I think he's attractive?

  So this past weekend was Melvin(s) weekend! Since the last post about Melvin, Melvin literally dropped off the face of the earth in my world. It was like he was doing me a favor! Better yet a BLESSING. But then gradually Melvin started coming out of the woodworks. I'd turn around and he'd be there. I tried to run away but that didn't matter cause he was already at my destination waiting for me. I even try to go and volunteer he was there and for once I can say I did not feel better after doing service. He even texted me "Hey what's up" -Love ya" Monday evening. Someone has got to help this dude know. Cause nigga just don't understand.
  By the way there is a new addtion to the Melvin's (total count 4) actually i'm not sure I should even be calling him Melvin cause dude is kinda good looking. But I am sure he pulled a Melvin move. I'm sitting minding my own business and suddenly he turns around after sacrament ends and says "Jersey give me a hug" It wasn't even a was a demand! That's how I know he's a Melvin. Melvin's know that have to demand for stuff cause they know they won't get it if they ask for it. Awkwardly i give newbie Melvin a hug because you only expect the non-good looking ones to be Melvin's. We stare at each other for a few seconds (hopefully he realizes what he has done) and then asks to hug the person next to me to make it less weird. Maybe it's the fact that I'm not a touch feely person at all and maybe i'm over thinking this way too much but i'm pretty sure if you wait to the exact millisecond sacrament ends to asks me to hug you. Then you are Melvin. Yup, dudes a Melvin. Melvin. Melvin. Melvin. Or is he? He's kinda good looking. I'm probably the only one he's pulled this stunt on. Probably a slip of the Melvin. 
 So here is the essential question of the evening: Is he Melvin, if I and a few of the other girls in the ward think he's cute? Cause then that makes me over think everything! If all the other Melvins were good looking (Jesus gave some people more trials to overcome) would I be calling them Melvin? Um...(Major Brain Fart)....hell ya. 
 Over the past week I can up with this theory. Try to disprove it.
Being a Melvin is half environment and half choice. 

Post Scriptum: For some of these dudes i think it may be more of a choice cause there is no way that someone can act like that all the time and not know it and not choose to change. Jesus isn't cruel for you to be born that way (half environment). Man life would be easier (at least a bit easier) if all of youse Melvins were good looking. Easier for you not for me. Melvins go pray that you wake up Christmas morning good looking. Really really really ridiculously good looking. You don't want to be Alpha Ugly anymore. Amen. (Alpha Ugly  © Jamie Giddens & Jersey)

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Forever Young

Lafawnduh is in the hiz-house! 
 This year was way better than last year because instead of being Aunt Jemima all by myself. I decided to share my creativity and be Lafawnduh with the rest of the cast of Napoleon Dynamite! Yes! The cast of Napoleon Dynamite. 
(excluding Pedro cause he was at the taco bus getting some burritos and creamed corn with Esqueleto)
 Napoleon Dynamite- Walter Maycock 
 Uncle Rico- Jason Klomp 
 Kip Dynamite- Christian Ray 
 Rex- Kevin Turbyfield
 Starla- Jen 
 Deb- Katy Lane 
 LaFawnduh Dynamite- Jeena Previlon 
 This seriously couldn't have been possible without Jesus.
Post Scriptum: Sorry I didn't post these pictures earlier but someone in the ysa glenridge ward took forever to post them also. When Jesus spoke of PROCRASTINATION he was talking about that nigga who took till almost Thanksgiving to post these pictures on facebook.  

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Where Your Boyfrand At?

I lean in to give her a kiss but instead she pulls in my face close to hers, pinches my cheeks, pinches my cheeks good and says "Do you have a boyfriend?" "Your too pretty not to have a boyfriend."
  That is exactly what happened to me at work. You tell me WTF i'm suppose to say to that? I could tell her about my whole summer story. How there was a guy and now there isn't. But then I remember I told her Jewish butt about the breakup and telling her would be like telling her for the first time. I didn't want to break her heart by telling her again.
 But I know I ain't the only chick in the ward that get's asked the same question at least once a month. So i'm going to tell you girls why we are still single: 
  1. Natalie totally dated him! Which means I can't because well we shared that burger that one time and we told each other secrets. I told her i like Platypus's. We bonded and I couldn't do that to her. 
  2. It's because he's shy. Really shy. You have no idea. So i'm going to spend all of my time with him and invite him to all of my hangouts! Until he's not shy anymore and when he's not shy around me anymore then he will tell me how much he likes me.
  3. We hang out all the time! Well no he's never asked me out on a specific date but I know he like me cause i'm the first person he calls when he's bored or wants to do something.
  4. He smiled at me when he was passing the sacrament! No directly at me! I'm going to like him and only him for time and all eternity! 
  5. He's really busy right now with school, life and breathing but i know he likes me. That's why i don't fault him for not calling me all the time. So that's why i call him all the time. He just too busy to remember to call.
I actually feel bad cause i know there are some of us that are happy that we're single. I know I am. I just got out of a long two months relationship (H-E-double hockey sticks yeah 2 months is a long time. Don't hate) so there are some of us that just want to be single right now. But then there are some that don't. Maybe I was exaggerating on a few of these on the list just a bit. But it happens guys, it really does. I know i've heard worse from girls say but we say all of these things and it makes us sound crazy! And we need to stop. Better yet I need to you tell this: To all the girlfriend who say "Yeah i think he totally likes you!" When at the bottom of the depths of your soul you know that guy ain't trying to holla at her? But you feel like you can't be the one to let your sista down! So you tell her yeah. Then she goes has that man's baby and that Negro leaves her as soon as he finds out she's pregnant. Now she's at your house crying. Then in the back of your mind you remember that time when you should told her he was just not that into her..oh and those yoga pants she wore three months ago made her look fat. 
Yeah you girlfriends are wrong and someone needs to do a driveby your a$%.
post scriptum: is he tall? is  he hefty? is bringing you mike & ike's? is he coming back? do you like mike and ike's? where your boyfrand at?

    Monday, 15 November 2010

    A Tall Fine Black Man

    ...I'm just talking about the Atlanta Hawk basketball players. 
     This weekend was a weekend I had to write about. Friday Danielle and I  went to the Atlanta Hawks game. Hawks vs. Jazz. Meet up with Farris, Tysha, Jordan, Allison. Oh the  Hawks lost to the Jazz. Since we had more black men on our team doesn't that mean the Hawks should have won? 
     After the game we to the restaurant called SLICE. Tysha's recommendation. Jazz and Pizza put together. Which mean a bunch of cigarette smokers. So keep that in mind. 
     We also had to drop Farris at his car at the Marta station. Then that's when the question of the night came upon us. When you drop a guy off do you have to wait till he get's into his car/house and starts his car/open his door (like any proper guy should do for a girl)? Answer: That wigga can handle himself! At least he act's like he can. So that's good enough for me. 
     So i guess I should explain this picture. With all the fine men and that one that's not so fine. But I won't.
     That night (actually this whole weekend) Danielle and I had a sleepover. So let me tell ya this girl can eat and sleep! I can't can't even keep up with her eating habits. Maybe this girl needs to be eating this 2lbs burger! (oh i'm still training for this trick, don't you even fret!) and she sleep for like 8-10 hours a day. Gurl I want to wake up at the blackbutt crack of dawn and watch my Today Show, Wendy Williams, and my View! 
    What am i gonna do if I don't have my Hot Topics each day? 
     Saturday was my cousin Nadia and Nadeige 25th birthday. We went to Murphy's at the Virginia Highlands. The waiters were trippin but the food was good and so was the atmosphere so it was alright. Afterwards we went to see MegaMind at Atlantic Station Regal Movie theater. Why everything gotta be in 3D nowadays? I know i'm not the only b!+%h that get's headache's from those glasses.
     I'm gonna tell you that I think Haitian are hilarious (I don't give a d@%m that i'm biased) you are never going to be around such a funny group of people. And we can dance. Plus we good looking. What's our flaw? We crazy MotherFathers! And we let people know it. 
      What i'm trying to say is that aside from the craziness we haitians would make good wifeys. Just go find a Haitian you can keep up with. Cause so far I haven't found one that can keep up with me! 

    Post Scriptum: The guy in the picture who was dubbed "not fine" yeah he wasn't fine cause well cause it was either he was white or cause he was on the Jazz team. I haven't chosen yet.  

    Tuesday, 9 November 2010

    Two Lbs of Meat In My Mouth

     Go ahead and say it. I don't give d@%m. "That's what she said!" I don't even care that it even sound like i'm promoting a porno but that is totally what is about to happen on the 27th of November. I'm going to The Counter with a group of my peeps to do what they think is the impossible. Which is eat a two pounds hamburger with in two hours.  
     I'm training for it for the next 2 1/2 weeks. Eating low caloric foods but a lot of it so i can expand my stomach also drinking alot of water. Lettuce and water will basically be my best friend for the next few weeks. 
     See i'm not going to be like Julius or David who tried to eat the 2 pounder without researching and preparing for this epic event. No no i'm researching the crap out of this. And when I finish this 2 pounder someone will have to kiss my black butt and tell me is am the s%!t.     
    Last night someone actually asked if I was really serious about this challenge and why i wanted to do this? Yes, i am really serious about this. Truthfully the question is why not do this? Sometimes a girl just gotta prove something to herself once in a while. I'm doing this and showing these guys never to underestimate what I can do. That's nothing but a plus. All i can really ask you now how do you think i got all this junk inside my trunk
     Post Scriptum: Anyone who wants to cheer me on or be there to rub my belly..actually better yet massage my hump for the guys who will have to kiss it when i finish my burger. Give me a holla. 

    Thursday, 4 November 2010

    Creepy Guys @ Church

     So I have this problem. Creepy Guys @ Church. These aren't the typical normal creepy guys that we've already known for years. These are a new breed of creepy guys. A whole new species. I haven't even had time to classify them yet. Cause to the normal group of people, these are pretty normal guys.  
     These are just some of the creepy things Creepy Guys @ Church have done
    1. Tell me (4 times and counting...) That you only live about 10 minutes from me and that you don't mind giving me a ride. The first time I could have thought you were being thoughtful. But #2-4 when you text it to me and catch me when i'm all alone to tell me how far we live from each other, that is creepy. 
    2. When you ask me if I'm temple worthy. Ask me if I always wear my garments(I'm not even endowed yet). When was the last time I've been to the temple. If i'm ready to go to the temple. Nigga please (this is not referring to the creepy guys race, i just wanted to this word for emphasis) do not hit me up to find out if I'm the one. I can tell you right now I am not. 
    3. You send me text messages with "Love Ya" at the end of it. Can anyone tell this guy how much I hate saying "I Love You" to the opposite sex? I haven't said it yet and I'm not about to start with you.
    4. You have come visited my house without being invited. I don't even know what to say about this, lucky you did were not invited into my house (I was not at home... luckily) but you asked for Jersey and my parents don't know me as Jersey. Epic Fail on your part.
    5. You touch girls bums underneath their skirts. (This is not creepy that is f*%!ing harassment. You are so lucky that you did not do this to me. Cause I would have punch this nigga out!)
    6. If you put your hand out for a handshake and I "politely" ignore it but then insist on a handshake I just think it's so you can touch my black hands. Like you ain't never been around a black person before.  
     So I am not going to tell you who these Creepy Guys @ Church are, but youse guys know who you are. I'm just going tell you I think i'm really easy to read. If i think your cute and if you flirt with me i'll flirt with you back. I think i'm even easier to read when i don't like you. I ignore your text/calls (especially if you write "Love Ya" at the end) etc etc. Do any of youse listen to Dane Cook? Creepy Guy @ Work? Yeah he calls them "Obbys". Now with this new breed of creepy guys I think they deserve a name also. I think "Melvin" is perfect! If you ever are around me and you hear me say "Melvin" (Melly for short) just make damn sure I'm not talking about you.
     Post Scriptum: I used the word "Nigga" alot in this post (for emphasis of course) and if it bothers, you oh well. I really don't care. If you haven't noticed your reading a blog written by a Nigga. 

    Tuesday, 2 November 2010

    Conversations With Danielle

    With Oprah leaving television what is going to happen to TV? Actually the real question is going to be, where are people going to go when they want free stuff?  

     Have you ever had someone that you hang out with alot that you basically just feed off of them and they feed off of you. That is how i feel with I hang with Danielle. She gives me the best material for me to be funny. When I was younger I wanted to be a comedian. Really badly. Then i realized that was pretty much going to be pretty much impossible. I can say random funny thing but I am not constantly funny like Niki Lemley. Who i think just bleeds funny. 
     The best compliment I could ever get from anyone is for them to say i'm funny. Forget about being pretty, that's so normal. I want to be funny. 
     So talking about Talk shows and Oprah was an actual conversation that I had with Danielle tonight. She hates the View. I love it. She watches Vegas while I love watching the Today show and Wendy Williams. (I used to watch the Doctors but they keep talking about SEX, and for reals though you can only have someone talk about SEX and how many things can go wrong when you do it for so many episodes) so then Oprah came up. My question was what is television going to do when Oprah leaves? Danielle assured me that Oprah leaving isn't like Y2K. Danielle isn't black, she doesn't understand. 
     Everybody get a car! You get a car. You get a car. You get...Actually forget that Oprah gives away bigger "sugar" than that...Everybody get's a country! You get a country. You get a country! Everybody get's a country with a Flag. 
    S*%t I wish I was Oprah. 

    Sunday, 24 October 2010

    Dramatic Reading of Breakup Letters

     So I keep wondering why people seem to like my blog Jersey Meets Europe so much. (Cause I really don't understand why you want to read what I've got to say) Then i found out that dramatic readings of breakup letters are a huge hit right now. Especially on Youtube. I guess that is why Jersey Meets Europe is so popular. Everyone wants to hear about someone's bad break up. That's okay. Cause I would too! Plus I am writing about it and so I do expect people might read it. You know what would be fun? To get a group of girls, get our old journals, and read them together in the most super serious voice we can muster. You'll read about all your past crushes and ex-boyfriends and how your parents ruined your life. It will just show you that things that you never thought you would get over, that day you thought was the most important day in the world, the best date ever. May not have been. If your still living then there are still "the best" yet to come.
       By the way this video i've posted is hilarious! Have you watched it yet? It a true letter sent to a guy after a bad break up. And I thought my writing style and grammar was horrendous! Psh whenever I think i've had a bad day, somebody has had worse. Whenever I think my day can't get any worse, someone else has just found out they are about to have an unplanned pregnancy!  
    From my journal:
     March 31 2005, 
     Elder Nance is leaving tomorrow. My first Elder, the one who baptized me. The one who is cute and understands me alot. 
     before he left he even gave me his email and phone number from back home. Which might mean he might have a bit of an interest (in me!?)
     They transfered him to Irvington, New Jersey. He lives close but he can't visit me and I can visit him. Which totally f&%*ing sucks. So now I have to find out where he lives. SO I can visit him once and a while. 
     I'm so tired of change so much. I'm tired of life. 
     This is probably one of the worst days in my life. Including when everyone had forgotten my birthday.
     I wanted to hug him so much, but it's probably another of those stupid rules. 
     You know what I realized he must like me or have a small crush. Because he left right when it was almost my birthday. 
     I'm tired of me, life, and everything in general. 
     Akon- Lonely is on right now. So appropriate. 
     After all that my hair is still not done! 
     I just feel like no one cares enough about me to give me the time of day. 

    Friday, 22 October 2010

    Cougar's Town

     Tonight Briana P., Danielle B. and I took our brothers out on a date. We were sucky dates though. We went to a play but we got the time wrong so we got there about twenty minutes into it. Then we us girls were cheap so we only got appetizers and dessert. But we were the best dates because we got them Molten Cakes. Three of them!  So I think it balances out. The three boys ranged from one being active, inactive, and a non member of the church. It was nice to bring them all together and see them really get along. 
     By the way my brother was the best date. He was hilarious, adorable and we matched! Gray and Black. Which by the way gray is  included in my favorite colors. I like this idea of sibling dates and I'm sure there will be more in the future. It's like since the break up i've realized how much my family means to me. How much they sacrifice for me and really care for me. So i'm showing gratitude by taking them out when I can or spending time with them. 
     Tonight I was a cougar by taking out a 16yr old to a play and dinner. 
    But since Briana and Danielle did it too, and we got permission from the boys parents (just as Micheal Jackson did) then i think we're okay. Courtney Cox watch out!

    Monday, 18 October 2010


     Jersey met German boy. German boy liked Jersey. Jersey was stupid and was head over heels. Jersey had made plans to go to Germany. 
     Those are the actual words I used before the break up. (See I knew I was was stupid to do this from the beginning)
     To finish the story. German boy and Jersey are broken up. 
     Now I am a single lady again. Funnier than before. (Not because of the situation, just because by fact Jersey get's funnier and funnier everyday) I don't want to stop writing cause I don't have a boyfriend (NOW) cause I don't think I am funnier with or without a boyfriend. But I do get better material from the boyfriends to make it easier to bring the funny to you. So I want this blog to be about Just Jersey. The events and people that interact with me.
      For those true Jersey Addicts who want to know. I still haven't cried since the breakup. It is still clocked at 8 minutes. Though I have gotten that sad feeling in my heart. But then it goes away pretty fast. I wonder if I still allowed to wallow?
     Tomorrow I am going on a date with a guy that i've know for about a year now. We are going to Netherworld Haunted House. The perfect place for material to bring lots of funnyness for the next post. I'll take pictures for the visual learners.
     Jersey is about to do what she know best. Gettin some. (Mormon Get Some not Regular Get Some)