Thursday, 25 November 2010

Is he Melvin, when I think he's attractive?

  So this past weekend was Melvin(s) weekend! Since the last post about Melvin, Melvin literally dropped off the face of the earth in my world. It was like he was doing me a favor! Better yet a BLESSING. But then gradually Melvin started coming out of the woodworks. I'd turn around and he'd be there. I tried to run away but that didn't matter cause he was already at my destination waiting for me. I even try to go and volunteer he was there and for once I can say I did not feel better after doing service. He even texted me "Hey what's up" -Love ya" Monday evening. Someone has got to help this dude know. Cause nigga just don't understand.
  By the way there is a new addtion to the Melvin's (total count 4) actually i'm not sure I should even be calling him Melvin cause dude is kinda good looking. But I am sure he pulled a Melvin move. I'm sitting minding my own business and suddenly he turns around after sacrament ends and says "Jersey give me a hug" It wasn't even a was a demand! That's how I know he's a Melvin. Melvin's know that have to demand for stuff cause they know they won't get it if they ask for it. Awkwardly i give newbie Melvin a hug because you only expect the non-good looking ones to be Melvin's. We stare at each other for a few seconds (hopefully he realizes what he has done) and then asks to hug the person next to me to make it less weird. Maybe it's the fact that I'm not a touch feely person at all and maybe i'm over thinking this way too much but i'm pretty sure if you wait to the exact millisecond sacrament ends to asks me to hug you. Then you are Melvin. Yup, dudes a Melvin. Melvin. Melvin. Melvin. Or is he? He's kinda good looking. I'm probably the only one he's pulled this stunt on. Probably a slip of the Melvin. 
 So here is the essential question of the evening: Is he Melvin, if I and a few of the other girls in the ward think he's cute? Cause then that makes me over think everything! If all the other Melvins were good looking (Jesus gave some people more trials to overcome) would I be calling them Melvin? Um...(Major Brain Fart)....hell ya. 
 Over the past week I can up with this theory. Try to disprove it.
Being a Melvin is half environment and half choice. 

Post Scriptum: For some of these dudes i think it may be more of a choice cause there is no way that someone can act like that all the time and not know it and not choose to change. Jesus isn't cruel for you to be born that way (half environment). Man life would be easier (at least a bit easier) if all of youse Melvins were good looking. Easier for you not for me. Melvins go pray that you wake up Christmas morning good looking. Really really really ridiculously good looking. You don't want to be Alpha Ugly anymore. Amen. (Alpha Ugly  © Jamie Giddens & Jersey)

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Forever Young

Lafawnduh is in the hiz-house! 
 This year was way better than last year because instead of being Aunt Jemima all by myself. I decided to share my creativity and be Lafawnduh with the rest of the cast of Napoleon Dynamite! Yes! The cast of Napoleon Dynamite. 
(excluding Pedro cause he was at the taco bus getting some burritos and creamed corn with Esqueleto)
 Napoleon Dynamite- Walter Maycock 
 Uncle Rico- Jason Klomp 
 Kip Dynamite- Christian Ray 
 Rex- Kevin Turbyfield
 Starla- Jen 
 Deb- Katy Lane 
 LaFawnduh Dynamite- Jeena Previlon 
 This seriously couldn't have been possible without Jesus.
Post Scriptum: Sorry I didn't post these pictures earlier but someone in the ysa glenridge ward took forever to post them also. When Jesus spoke of PROCRASTINATION he was talking about that nigga who took till almost Thanksgiving to post these pictures on facebook.  

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Where Your Boyfrand At?

I lean in to give her a kiss but instead she pulls in my face close to hers, pinches my cheeks, pinches my cheeks good and says "Do you have a boyfriend?" "Your too pretty not to have a boyfriend."
  That is exactly what happened to me at work. You tell me WTF i'm suppose to say to that? I could tell her about my whole summer story. How there was a guy and now there isn't. But then I remember I told her Jewish butt about the breakup and telling her would be like telling her for the first time. I didn't want to break her heart by telling her again.
 But I know I ain't the only chick in the ward that get's asked the same question at least once a month. So i'm going to tell you girls why we are still single: 
  1. Natalie totally dated him! Which means I can't because well we shared that burger that one time and we told each other secrets. I told her i like Platypus's. We bonded and I couldn't do that to her. 
  2. It's because he's shy. Really shy. You have no idea. So i'm going to spend all of my time with him and invite him to all of my hangouts! Until he's not shy anymore and when he's not shy around me anymore then he will tell me how much he likes me.
  3. We hang out all the time! Well no he's never asked me out on a specific date but I know he like me cause i'm the first person he calls when he's bored or wants to do something.
  4. He smiled at me when he was passing the sacrament! No directly at me! I'm going to like him and only him for time and all eternity! 
  5. He's really busy right now with school, life and breathing but i know he likes me. That's why i don't fault him for not calling me all the time. So that's why i call him all the time. He just too busy to remember to call.
I actually feel bad cause i know there are some of us that are happy that we're single. I know I am. I just got out of a long two months relationship (H-E-double hockey sticks yeah 2 months is a long time. Don't hate) so there are some of us that just want to be single right now. But then there are some that don't. Maybe I was exaggerating on a few of these on the list just a bit. But it happens guys, it really does. I know i've heard worse from girls say but we say all of these things and it makes us sound crazy! And we need to stop. Better yet I need to you tell this: To all the girlfriend who say "Yeah i think he totally likes you!" When at the bottom of the depths of your soul you know that guy ain't trying to holla at her? But you feel like you can't be the one to let your sista down! So you tell her yeah. Then she goes has that man's baby and that Negro leaves her as soon as he finds out she's pregnant. Now she's at your house crying. Then in the back of your mind you remember that time when you should told her he was just not that into her..oh and those yoga pants she wore three months ago made her look fat. 
Yeah you girlfriends are wrong and someone needs to do a driveby your a$%.
post scriptum: is he tall? is  he hefty? is bringing you mike & ike's? is he coming back? do you like mike and ike's? where your boyfrand at?

    Monday, 15 November 2010

    A Tall Fine Black Man

    ...I'm just talking about the Atlanta Hawk basketball players. 
     This weekend was a weekend I had to write about. Friday Danielle and I  went to the Atlanta Hawks game. Hawks vs. Jazz. Meet up with Farris, Tysha, Jordan, Allison. Oh the  Hawks lost to the Jazz. Since we had more black men on our team doesn't that mean the Hawks should have won? 
     After the game we to the restaurant called SLICE. Tysha's recommendation. Jazz and Pizza put together. Which mean a bunch of cigarette smokers. So keep that in mind. 
     We also had to drop Farris at his car at the Marta station. Then that's when the question of the night came upon us. When you drop a guy off do you have to wait till he get's into his car/house and starts his car/open his door (like any proper guy should do for a girl)? Answer: That wigga can handle himself! At least he act's like he can. So that's good enough for me. 
     So i guess I should explain this picture. With all the fine men and that one that's not so fine. But I won't.
     That night (actually this whole weekend) Danielle and I had a sleepover. So let me tell ya this girl can eat and sleep! I can't can't even keep up with her eating habits. Maybe this girl needs to be eating this 2lbs burger! (oh i'm still training for this trick, don't you even fret!) and she sleep for like 8-10 hours a day. Gurl I want to wake up at the blackbutt crack of dawn and watch my Today Show, Wendy Williams, and my View! 
    What am i gonna do if I don't have my Hot Topics each day? 
     Saturday was my cousin Nadia and Nadeige 25th birthday. We went to Murphy's at the Virginia Highlands. The waiters were trippin but the food was good and so was the atmosphere so it was alright. Afterwards we went to see MegaMind at Atlantic Station Regal Movie theater. Why everything gotta be in 3D nowadays? I know i'm not the only b!+%h that get's headache's from those glasses.
     I'm gonna tell you that I think Haitian are hilarious (I don't give a d@%m that i'm biased) you are never going to be around such a funny group of people. And we can dance. Plus we good looking. What's our flaw? We crazy MotherFathers! And we let people know it. 
      What i'm trying to say is that aside from the craziness we haitians would make good wifeys. Just go find a Haitian you can keep up with. Cause so far I haven't found one that can keep up with me! 

    Post Scriptum: The guy in the picture who was dubbed "not fine" yeah he wasn't fine cause well cause it was either he was white or cause he was on the Jazz team. I haven't chosen yet.  

    Tuesday, 9 November 2010

    Two Lbs of Meat In My Mouth

     Go ahead and say it. I don't give d@%m. "That's what she said!" I don't even care that it even sound like i'm promoting a porno but that is totally what is about to happen on the 27th of November. I'm going to The Counter with a group of my peeps to do what they think is the impossible. Which is eat a two pounds hamburger with in two hours.  
     I'm training for it for the next 2 1/2 weeks. Eating low caloric foods but a lot of it so i can expand my stomach also drinking alot of water. Lettuce and water will basically be my best friend for the next few weeks. 
     See i'm not going to be like Julius or David who tried to eat the 2 pounder without researching and preparing for this epic event. No no i'm researching the crap out of this. And when I finish this 2 pounder someone will have to kiss my black butt and tell me is am the s%!t.     
    Last night someone actually asked if I was really serious about this challenge and why i wanted to do this? Yes, i am really serious about this. Truthfully the question is why not do this? Sometimes a girl just gotta prove something to herself once in a while. I'm doing this and showing these guys never to underestimate what I can do. That's nothing but a plus. All i can really ask you now how do you think i got all this junk inside my trunk
     Post Scriptum: Anyone who wants to cheer me on or be there to rub my belly..actually better yet massage my hump for the guys who will have to kiss it when i finish my burger. Give me a holla. 

    Thursday, 4 November 2010

    Creepy Guys @ Church

     So I have this problem. Creepy Guys @ Church. These aren't the typical normal creepy guys that we've already known for years. These are a new breed of creepy guys. A whole new species. I haven't even had time to classify them yet. Cause to the normal group of people, these are pretty normal guys.  
     These are just some of the creepy things Creepy Guys @ Church have done
    1. Tell me (4 times and counting...) That you only live about 10 minutes from me and that you don't mind giving me a ride. The first time I could have thought you were being thoughtful. But #2-4 when you text it to me and catch me when i'm all alone to tell me how far we live from each other, that is creepy. 
    2. When you ask me if I'm temple worthy. Ask me if I always wear my garments(I'm not even endowed yet). When was the last time I've been to the temple. If i'm ready to go to the temple. Nigga please (this is not referring to the creepy guys race, i just wanted to this word for emphasis) do not hit me up to find out if I'm the one. I can tell you right now I am not. 
    3. You send me text messages with "Love Ya" at the end of it. Can anyone tell this guy how much I hate saying "I Love You" to the opposite sex? I haven't said it yet and I'm not about to start with you.
    4. You have come visited my house without being invited. I don't even know what to say about this, lucky you did were not invited into my house (I was not at home... luckily) but you asked for Jersey and my parents don't know me as Jersey. Epic Fail on your part.
    5. You touch girls bums underneath their skirts. (This is not creepy that is f*%!ing harassment. You are so lucky that you did not do this to me. Cause I would have punch this nigga out!)
    6. If you put your hand out for a handshake and I "politely" ignore it but then insist on a handshake I just think it's so you can touch my black hands. Like you ain't never been around a black person before.  
     So I am not going to tell you who these Creepy Guys @ Church are, but youse guys know who you are. I'm just going tell you I think i'm really easy to read. If i think your cute and if you flirt with me i'll flirt with you back. I think i'm even easier to read when i don't like you. I ignore your text/calls (especially if you write "Love Ya" at the end) etc etc. Do any of youse listen to Dane Cook? Creepy Guy @ Work? Yeah he calls them "Obbys". Now with this new breed of creepy guys I think they deserve a name also. I think "Melvin" is perfect! If you ever are around me and you hear me say "Melvin" (Melly for short) just make damn sure I'm not talking about you.
     Post Scriptum: I used the word "Nigga" alot in this post (for emphasis of course) and if it bothers, you oh well. I really don't care. If you haven't noticed your reading a blog written by a Nigga. 

    Tuesday, 2 November 2010

    Conversations With Danielle

    With Oprah leaving television what is going to happen to TV? Actually the real question is going to be, where are people going to go when they want free stuff?  

     Have you ever had someone that you hang out with alot that you basically just feed off of them and they feed off of you. That is how i feel with I hang with Danielle. She gives me the best material for me to be funny. When I was younger I wanted to be a comedian. Really badly. Then i realized that was pretty much going to be pretty much impossible. I can say random funny thing but I am not constantly funny like Niki Lemley. Who i think just bleeds funny. 
     The best compliment I could ever get from anyone is for them to say i'm funny. Forget about being pretty, that's so normal. I want to be funny. 
     So talking about Talk shows and Oprah was an actual conversation that I had with Danielle tonight. She hates the View. I love it. She watches Vegas while I love watching the Today show and Wendy Williams. (I used to watch the Doctors but they keep talking about SEX, and for reals though you can only have someone talk about SEX and how many things can go wrong when you do it for so many episodes) so then Oprah came up. My question was what is television going to do when Oprah leaves? Danielle assured me that Oprah leaving isn't like Y2K. Danielle isn't black, she doesn't understand. 
     Everybody get a car! You get a car. You get a car. You get...Actually forget that Oprah gives away bigger "sugar" than that...Everybody get's a country! You get a country. You get a country! Everybody get's a country with a Flag. 
    S*%t I wish I was Oprah.