Monday, 12 September 2011

Melvin Just Got Weirder

Melvin noun /'mel- vən\ 
 : A new breed of creepy guys that you meet at church. They stalk girls, make them feel uncomfortable and have no shame.  also see obby

   So I'm back. Back in Georgia. Happy that I am here with my friends and family. But not happy that Melvin took a whole 3.5 seconds after he saw me to come up to me and ask me about Drue. Well you ask, how did he know about Drue? See this is how Melvin just got weirder. When Drue and I put our relationship on Facebook and from the time Melvin talked to me our relationship, our realtionship had been FBO [FBO adjective an event, activity or realtionship status on the social network Facebook that has been made public.] for no more than six hours.  But my friends that is not the weird part you see, I'm not friends with any of my Melvins on Facebook. I've had a really bad experience with stalkers when I was in high and decided that I hated the feeling or thought of Melvins or Obbys checking up on me periodically. 
  So how did Melvin do it? How did that Nigga get all up in my kool-aid?! [He's all up in my kool-aid and he don't even know the flava!] He's not my friend on Facebook. Check. I've got my Facebook privacy on lock-down. Check. So which one of youse MelvinAiders [MelvinAider noun a person who helps a melvin with his stalking. Could also be a fellow Melvin.] is helping him with his fetish? Cause it just ain't right. I need my privacy too! I deserve the right to be able to run away from my Melvins! That is my right as an American! Nay! My right as a MelvinHater! [MelvinHater noun a person of African American descent who seems to attract a plethora of Melvins. She informs her friends and family about Melvin sightings and activity on her blog JustJersey. She also dislike Melvins but likes the fact that Melvins give her material for her blog.] 
  So now I wait. I wait till my Drue Drue [my nickname for Drue very original i know] will be back in town [Two and a half weeks and counting down. He's currently in North Dakota finishing up a oil rig job] and I wait till Drue Drue will scare away all my Melvins. Sometimes [and sadly] you need a man to scare other men away. My cold demeanor and stanky attitude just doesn't scare away Melvins but a boyfriend will. Who would have thunk it? 

Post Scriptum: I know you guys are waiting for the story of Drue and I. But I'll write about it when I write about it. Patience is a virtue. And let's just say Drue has plenty of it. 

Sunday, 11 September 2011

I Went To Arizona To Kill Bugs, I Came Back To Georgia With A Boyfriend.

Four years. Four years until this happened. Some guys have all the patience. 

Post Sciptum: Drue is his name. Keep him in your prayers. I don't think he knows what he's gotten himself into. 

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

He's Shorter Than Me

Sometime early this year [ i am not willing to say the specific dates] I madeout with a guy shorter than me. Of course it was just for fun [My Mama would kill me and everyone would think i was dating beneath me] [Literally]. But this N.C.M.O with this new FROG made me think...what would happen if I actually dated some short guy. Here is what I would do. 

Things I Would Do If I Was Dating A Short Guy

1. Always wear high heels 
2. Never Slouch 
3. Whenever a tall guy walks into a room, start a fight with him and tell everyone your defending your man you know he can't.
4. Whenever you and your man are going to the mall hand him a monkey backpack...with a leash attached to it.
5. Whenever you get in a fight with him yell "Don't you get short with me"
6. Ask him to jump on a couch ecstatically whenever he talks about your relationship. Preferably if front of black woman.
7. Whenever your man makes a joke about his height, laugh the loudest and always try to top it.
8. Always bring up fascinating facts about Oompa Loompa's.
9. Constantly put things out of reach, ask your man to get it then have a look of realization on your face, look him up him down then say "Never mind i'll get it"
10. Let him believe that you think anything is better than being short. When playing "Would You Rather" ask him would he rather be a short girl, short boy before he has the chance to answer, answer for him and say "Lesbian"

Post Scriptum: In the end this would get him to discontinue dating taller women...or just black women....or maybe JUST ME. 

Sunday, 31 July 2011

Shh...Let's Keep This A Secret.

Shhh...Let's keep this a secret. 
That is probably the last thing a guy wants to hear after making out with a girl. 

Why is it that that I can recall saying this way too many times in my short [yet very experienced] dating life?  Are there good reasons why i should ever utter those words to these poor young men? Plenty.

Reason#1 He Looks Better With The Lights Off
The night always make guys look pretty decent. It's called the Edward Cullen effect. They purposely flirt with girl at night so the magic of the Edward Cullen effect will start and they manage to get girl that they would have never been able to get in the daylight.

Reason#2 He's Too Easy
Look around the room. Look for that guy who if you were just to give him a bit of attention you guys could be  "Drinking Kool-Aid" by the end of the night. Ever had those days where you are just way too needy? And you just want to "Drink Kool-Aid" also better known as "Makeout". Those kinds of guy are great for that night, maybe that week, or even as summer fling but never ever as boyfriend.

Reason#3 Your Friends Hate Him 
Your friends cannot stand him. His name is the punch line to all of your jokes and they have good reason to hate him. But now you've made a big mistake of "drinking kool-aid" and you've gotta keep it a secret.  So now all of your jokes with his name as the punch line have to the funniest of all your friends. And you have to laugh the loudest when your friends make fun of him. Just so they don't suspect anything. [Motherfather! Some of my friends jokes aren't even as funny as mine but I still have to laugh at them]

Reason#4 You're Cheating
What did you do? Drink too many Rockstars?! Ate too much Ben&Jerry's?! Find some Blueberry Yum Yum? Cause you're high on something. You got someone perfect [i guess he ain't THAT perfect cause you ARE cheating on him] and now you've made the mistake and made out with the one person that everyone hates. Anyone with half a brain would want to keep this a secret.

Reason#5 He's Embarrassing 
I would say this would be 95% of the reason why most people would have secret relationships. What is it? He's too nerdy? An idiot? Maybe way to eccentric? Whatever it is you can't let him meet your friends and you definitely can't introduce him to yo mama.

One or all these combine [kind of like the Captain Planet of Secret Boyfriends] is enough reason why you would to keep this on the down low. Just not enough reasons to know why you DRANK KOOL-AID WITH HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Post Scriptum: Drinking kool-aid makes your lips red...and so does making out. Right Phillips? Probably why black people have the biggest lips. We drank our purple kool-aid ALL DA TIME!

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Guys Say They Have Girlfriends…When It’s Convenient

I've been on a hiatus for the past month or so. Because I currently work with Bug Boys. Yes I, Jeena Previlon is a Lady Bug. [Yes, I said "is" I'm still black no matter what] I sell pest control door to door. I'm knocking on your windows. Trying to sell you pest control. Hide your kids. Hide your wives and Hide your money to cause I'm trying to sell errbody out here.

My life in a basic summary so far. I'm a lady bug living in Tempe, Arizona selling pest control. Got it? Okay.

I've been a lady bug for 4 weeks now and I've gone where most girls have never gone before. I'm in the inner circle of the bug boys. I know their secrets. I know who they have left behind at home [girlfriends]. I know what color their garments are [they're white]. I know what they eat for breakfast. [Let me tell you it's not cocoa puffs] Every year these boys come into our ward and they steal the hearts of the young single women and then they break them. Now that I work with these guys, I have realized that some of them aren't so bad but they ARE males which means douche-ness runs through their DNA. In our group of bug boy/lady bugs there are four single girls and sixteen single guys [I use the word "single" very loosely]. Now during week one more than half of these guys told us they had someone waiting for them back home. Currently we are in week four and I can only count two who is still truly loyal to their girlfriend. Some of them have broken up with their girlfriends, some of them have told their girlfriends that they aren't sure what the future hold for them [which means: I want to make out with a few girls then when the summer is over I want to come back to you and I want you to be okay with that] and some of them still call their girlfriends at night and then flirts with girls right afterwards.

What I can't understand is that most of these guys are pretty solid guys. I see some of these guys being bishops, high counselors or members of the seventy when we get older [much older]. But they are doing all of these shenanigans that I can literally compare to guys that are non-members.

One of the guys just baffles me [not really, I can read him like a book. More specifically. The Twilight series]. He's really successful. Does great selling. Hilarious. People follow his leadership. He's got some money in the bank. He a bit older [27-29 yrs of age] so he ready to get married [already owns a house!] he's a 5 ½ [out of a 10] but he personality bumps him up to an 8 ½ which in Mormonville that is perfect for all the desperate girls that want to get married. Except he is so good at being successful in career and setting goals for himself, that he sucks at setting and achieving his relationship/personal goals. He wants to get married but he does nothing to help him attain that! [why do I sound like a self help book] Which is funny cause I thought he was cute [I'd tap dat] for literally a week. Then I saw how bad he was with girls and relationships [and you guys already know how bad at it I am] that it turned me off.

This whole pest control experience has just shown me that nothing is set in stone until you are married! [isn't that sad?] Cause once it's written on earth it's written in heaven.

Talking to Danielle she made me realize that is why the guys get it so hard during priesthood meetings cause they do things like this [among many other things] and our prophet has to lay down the smack down [yes, for those of you who are not members; Our prophet wrestles our non-worthy members into WORTHYNESS at every general conference.]

This jist of all of this is: Dating is already difficult with honesty. But add dishonesty, the extra girls on the side, and a cocky personality and you'll make girls like Phillips and I never want to date again. [maybe she and I should just date each other?]

But somehow [cause I'm an idiot] I'm interested in someone right now [and he's interested in me too :)] He's this cute little red head, who tends to sheep, likes country music, riding semi-trucks, and polishing chrome. He's LDS [so I don't have to worry about agnostic/philosophy crap in our relationship]. He holds the priesthood [but he's not peter priesthood; just the way I like it]. He's stubborn and cocky and I'm interested.

Post Scriptum: I'm getting paid for inception. My job has taught me all the tricks of the trade on how to get people to agree with me and get them to do what I want. I'm using this in my relationship life to get what I want. I'll tell you how it's working so far.


Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Is Your Friend Secretly Jealous of You?

Here is a checklist to see if your friend is secretly jealous of you.

  • When you try on a dress you think looks hideous, she says you look great.
  • Your boyfriend is one of her least favorite people. 
  • She still brings up the promotion after you've stopped talking about it.
  • She says a party is going to be lame, but then goes to it without you. 
  • She writes on  your wall so much that you almost feel Facebook stalked. 
  • She convinces you to get most caloric item on the menu, while she gets a salad 
  • She says no dibs. But whenever there is cute guy she says it's okay for her to do it because she never gets to go on as many dates as you. 
  • Every time she borrows something from your closet it's return damaged.
  • She makes you listen to boy problems and how her dates goes at the end of the night but when it's your boy problems she says "Do you have to tell me everything that happens in you life?" [this actually happened to me]
  • She yells your name in her sleep, then punches her pillow moments afterwards. 
If you can check off more than 4 of these items, then you my friend have a FRIENEMY. Now that you know, keep her around [for a bit]. Because she will keep you on your toes. Just keep your cute guy interest away from her. And any knives. [and your back]

Post Scriptum: I am not writing this post because I currently have a FRIENEMY. At least I hope I don't. Frienemies are just H.A.T.E.R.S. [Having Anger Towards Everybody Reaching Success]

Sunday, 17 April 2011

Movies That I Love

  1. The Man In The Moon 
  2. Where The Heart Is 
  3. Mermaids 
  4. Pride and Prejudice 
  5. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby 
  6. Across of Universe 
  7. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure 
  8. Camp Rock 
  9. The Breakfast Club 
  10. Romy and Michelle High School Reunion 
  11. Practical Magic 
  12. Untamed Heart 
  13. Matilda 
  14. Elf 
  15. She's The Man 
  16. Teen Witch 
  17. Remember The Titans 
  18. Step Up (Trilogy) 
  19. The Best Two Years 

Saturday, 16 April 2011

N.C.M.O's with Frogs Part Deux

My list continues in 2009. Also called the year of Repeat Offenders. It just happened [Again and Again]. That's all I've got to say about that. 

First [Again] is Shorty McWhore Whore. It was bad the first time. It was worst the second time. (A tale of two cites much?) I wish I had some cute remark to make about this. But i don't. Cause it was that bad [again]. 

Repeat Engager was alot of fun. Only cause we were exactly on the same page. We didn't want anything more. Than what it was. Plus it made some of my roommates jealous. That no matter what, that was the best part. Repeat Engager was called Repeat Engager cause in the time that I've know him he's been engaged four times. If you think I have commitment issues. Meet this guy. 

Next was Jersey Boy. Now if I thought Chicken Peck was annoying then Jersey Boy took the cake! Jersey Boy took me on plenty of dates. We hung out at his apartment and played video games. We went to a old folks home on one of our dates (that was fun and awkward). He introduced me to his brother. But eventually nothing was happening. He never kissed me. He lent me his jacket. He would pick me up. He would call me (doesn't mean i would want talk) But he NEVER KISSED ME. Later on I found out why [he's not gay]. I think I might have been the wrong girl at the wrong time. I think I could have not been the one. But now I'll never know. 

Then there was Dare 1 & Dare 2 Twas a night in Rexburg, Idaho where we  had a black out. And instead of a New York blackout where 9 months after there is a increase of babies being born. In an Rexburg blackout you play truth or dare. Someone dares you to make out with someone and 9 minutes later you still have a bad taste in your mouth. You see the similarities right?

Fudge Truck was really fun. Green & Phillips hate him. They didn't like the fact that I was making cookies for him and his roommates instead of making it for them. They didn't like the fact I was using him to have a guy a around [and other things] or they didn't like that he thought he was using me but as in a matter of fact I just like having him cause he made me feel good about my cookies. Oh by the way Fudge Truck made Fudge and sold it. Sold it with his best friend. I guess you can call them Fudge Packers. [insert realization here]

Repeat Engager [Again] Well I guess it wouldn't be called the year of Repeat Offenders for nothing.  Green and Phillips don't even know this but we were watching a movie [for some reason i recall the movie was "tommy boy"] then I got a call from Repeat Engager I made it sound like it was from someone else  told them I was gonna walk out to hear the "person" better. And never came back. Sounds like a horror story doesn't it? But I assure you. It wasn't. 

Okay that was the year of the Repeat Offenders. You wanna know something. This wasn't a very eventful year. I barely remember it.
I could have lived without this year. Take that back. I could have lived without the guys. 

Post Scriptum: I hope this new secret that I just revealed doesn't put a damper on my friendship with Green and Phillip. If they must know I've matured alot. And if a guy called me now to hang out [or whatever] I wouldn't try to hide it from them. I would be up front and honest with them. I wouldn't wait two years to tell them that I ditch them for a guy. 

I would wait one year.  

Sunday, 13 March 2011

N.C.M.O's with Frogs

I've kissed alot of frogs. I mean alot. I should even start calling my self The Real Frog Princess. I've kissed so many frogs in the past that my girls Phillips and Green couldn't remember who was who and they suspected that I couldn't remember either. So they made me start a list! What a list? Who would have thunk it?

So my list started in 2008. That year was also called BYU-I Like To Make Out. I'm not gonna lie that year was like good wine. It was nice to buy and have but now you just want to put in the wine cellar and forget about it. 
   It all started with Too Much Pressure. He was my first BYU-I kiss. In the snow literally. Like some BYU-I N.C.M.O. fairy tale. It was fun cause he was young, I was young.  He was just looking for something that wasn't serious. I totally understood that. He was putting his papers in that year and didn't want anything to hold him down. This one last about a month before he pulled a fast one on me and found some other girl. Which was fine because i only liked looking at his muscles and whenever we made out he ALWAYS kissed with too much pressure. Gosh, half of the time i thought he was going to crush my face! After i stopped hanging  out with him i had hope some girl had taught him how to really kiss. 
  Next was Shorty McWhore Whore. He was the biggest mistake ever. Not only because I can't even remember if he was a good kisser or not. Which mean since I can't remember that he wasn't good enough for me to remember.  All i can remember was that he liked to exxagerate his stories about what would happen between us to his friends. Truthfully i should tell you that I did make out with him to get away from my boyfriend. Which would make me sound bad. Really bad. But want to know why he would always be the bad guy? My boyfriend was his childhood friend, he even used to babysit him! He was beefy and shorty actually really beefy and short. And he will always be known as Shorty McWhore Whore
  Voldermont was the one I shouldn't even admit that made out with. The one who shall not be named.  Every girl has the one guys; when you look back you have no idea why you were dating him. If the temperature had been right, the sun aligned in the right demension and my confidence was way better I wouldn't have dated him.  But I did and he broke my heart. I cried for a whole two days. I remember the excuse he gave me also; some thing about going to BYU-I and just coming off his mission, needing to be able to date more people blah blah blah.  Wanna know the funniest thing? I don't he could find anyone to date as cute as me. Actually i don't he could find someone period.

  ChickenPeck this guy was really simple. If i had been more mature and he had been more communicative. This one could have actually worked. Psyke! Well kinda. It just would have lasted longer. Take that back. Now that i remember, I made out with Shorty McWhore Whore while dating ChickenPeck. I would have felt much worse about what i did if I was in an actual relationship with ChickenPeck. But I wasn't. And the reason why he's called ChickenPeck cause we never really madeout. He just gave me pecks. Pecks on the lips to say hello and pecks to say goodnight. For Strength for Youth would have been proud of our relationship. But I wasn't. 
  Denver was my favorite N.C.M.O. in the year of BYU-I Like to Make Out. This is even one my girls Green and Phillips can remember who this is. I meet this guy in the airport in Denver, we chatted over our interest in music. Exchange number. Went on a date. He picked me up. Went to dinner. Saw The New Pornographers. He drove me home. We made Nana & Popa driveway until 7 a.m. Denver was the best kisser ever. Maybe it was the John Mayer playing in the background or maybe this guy just KNEW what he was doing. 
  DeadBeat Beefcake I just wanted him for his body. He was just so good to look at. I know that makes me sound shallow. And it'll make me sound even worse cause Deadbeat Beefcake actually just wanted me for my body. If you know what I mean. (He wanted S...E...X..) Yeah when I found that out, I said dueces. Want to know what's sad? I should have said dueces when I found out he was almost thirty living with his mom. And definitely should have after his mother walked in on us making out and yelled at him for being up past his bed time. But I was 18 and I didn't want to know better. 
  CuteMexican & RaunchyMexican we're best friends. And we made out at different time of course. With at least two months in between each of them. But they were drunk and I was sober. So i can't even blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol. But it was my partying years. Every Saturday. I'd get my hair did, get all dressed up, go dancing, make out, then go to church the next day. I did this every weekend until I got tired of it. And I got tired of it pretty quick. CuteMexican was just so adorable, while RaunchyMexican was just so annoying. 
  So these are just some of the frogs i've kissed...yes just SOME in the year of BYU-I Like To Make Out. The ones that matter at least. And when I say matter i mean the funny ones that i can write about but wait there is more.. I had to kiss alot of frogs. Which means there are more posts with more frogs. So stay tuned. 

Post Scriptum: You know that saying you have to kiss alot of frogs until you find your prince. Well i'm doing my best. I promise. I'm going to do my best making out with a bunch of frogs until I find him. This is going to be the hardest job ever. Psych! 

Monday, 7 March 2011

Is He My Boyfriend?

Use this checklist to run away from the guy who is moving way too fast or to tell motha you FINALLY have a boyfriend. Either way, if you can check off most of these requirements on this list, then it looks like you got a situation here.  So now go to my playlist play Boyfriend by BTR while you read my get into the ambiance. 

 1. He calls you before noon. 
 2. You've meet his family
 3. You've meet his friend and they like you.
 4. You know you'll get a kiss at the end of the night
 5. He calls you on the weekend to make plans
 6. You've been to his place
 7. Your introduced as "His Girlfriend"
 8. You talk about the future
 9. He's brings you Mike & Ike's 
10. You go into the club together, knowing that your leaving together at the end of the night. 
11. He knows your bra size 
12. He's seen you without your makeup 
13. He knows when it's that time of the month
14. You've had the talk also known as DTR (Determine The Relationship)

Truthfully if you had #14 DTR and it goes well, You're his girlfriend. 

Post Scriptum: Riddle: I currently can check 8 off of the this list but I still don't technically have a boyfriend. Why is that? Anyone who can answer this question correctly gets cookies baked by me!

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Best Submitted Application [to be my Best Friend]

Name: Luke
Alias: the Dark Knight
Age: 22
Weight: 140
Hometown: g-town, USA
How many times have you ever watched "Gladiator"? once
How many times have you said "flip" in the past week? never in my freaking life
Favorite Quote? I am the gatekeeper of my own destiny and I will have my glory day in the hot sun
What are the five food groups? subway, pastaroni, martinelli, pizza, and chocolate
Favorite Website: just jersey blog
Favorite Color: black people
What's your wing span? enough to wrap around you (all that matters)
Favorite Pizza Topping: elves
What martial arts do you specialize in? chun kuk do
Did you spend your time learning martial arts with a bushy-eyebrowed old man from Asia?no, he's from oklahoma
Did you eventually become the master? physically impossible
How many guys have you made out with since high school? none, son
What's your favorite Will Ferrell movie? Dear Eight Pound, Six Ounce, Newborn Baby Jesus, don't even know a word yet, just a little infant, so cuddly, but still omnipotent 
Do you own heels? no
What is your Color Code Color? black people
Does your family have a history of ugly people? not an ounce
Who is better looking: Channing Tatum or Eric Dane? channing tatum
What is your Myers-Briggs type? ISFJ
Have you served in the military? I can't talk about it
Was it a secret branch? obviously
What was the name of that branch? spanish language news
What is your astrological sign? scorpio
Can you incapacitate someone using only your pinky? if they're asleep
Can you eat a 2lbs burger? obviously
Can you speak another language? español, asl, and love
What is your position on taking naps? lying down
What is your favorite Disney princess? nala
Have you ever been molested by a Carebear? no
What is your favorite video game? band hero
What is your favorite television show? glee
Do you like cuddling? why yes
How many hours do you spend listening to music? only in the car

oh sorry, I just saw the last part. I don't own any tools, so please accept the application anyway. I anxiously await your decision.

I, the undersigned, residing in the county of __Utah________, state of ___Utah_____, do hereby declare my intent to shop, hang out, party, and participate at laughing at Jersey's jokes and anything else Jersey Previlon deems appropriate. I accept that submission of the above application represents my consent to participate in pre-Best Friends Activities and/or Colorblind to determine the most qualified applicant. I recognize the possibility of humiliation if not picked as a new best friend. I release, discharge and agree to hold harmless Jersey Previlon and her other best friends from any and all liability, claims or demands arising from participating/becoming Jersey Previlon's best friend. 

The undersigned have read and fully understand and agree to the forgoing. 

X_Luke Christensen__________________________________
     Applicant Signature

Monday, 31 January 2011

Gay Tendencies @ Church

Do not tell me I am the only person who realizes this?

Gay Tendencies also known as "GT" Happens [in the church]. It's right before being an actually Homosexual and right after Bromance.  See visual. 

 To clarify nodding buddies are just guys that pass each other and nod. Teammates are guy that are on the same sport team. They talk about tappin dat, whos bang-able or not, and who won the basketball game last night. 
 You see it happen but what do you do? You find out the kind of music he listens to [Britney Spears, Benny Benassi, Ricky Martin]. You notice what he wears [upside down visor or pre-frayed baseball hat]. You hear about his favorite show [Keeping up with the Kardashians]. But no no no, this is not what tips you off to realize something is off. It's the fact that when he hangs with his buddy he's just way too close with his Bro or the things that are coming out of his mouth when he hangs with his Bro just makes you worried [let's just chill]. 
 Literally group of my friends and I found have found a new reason why we have a Picture Directory. Not to see who cute or not [any one who sits and does this just needs to stop] but to sit there with your friends and see who has gay tendencies. We have more in our ward than we think. I was naming a guys from left to right. Aly was naming off a few. Tysha was denying every single one Aly named off and Jordon was just agreeing with Tysha and I. Really though, I think you would be surprised how many we named. I know that you know that we know the obvious guys who are on the border of "GT" & "Homosexual". But what about the non obvious one that we named [don't you wish that I would name off all the guy?] It blew my mind of all the ones that no one else suspected. My gay-dar has only led me wrong twice my whole life. [four times if you count "GT"s] but detecting who they are in the ward has been alot harder than i thought it would be. I guess all i'm sayin is the girls in the ward keep complaining about why the guy aren't asking them out and maybe it's because they don't want to be barking up the wrong tree OR we girls are just making up this whole "GT" thing because they aren't asking us out. It seems like it's this whole mathematical dating equation that they didn't teach in high school. Who knows maybe they did teach us. All i know is that i suck at math. 
Post Scriptum: If he tells you when he was younger that he's been with another dude. [in any way shape or form] Walk away. Saves you the heart ache.  

Ever Thine Ever Mine Ever Ours

What does that even mean?! 
Ever Thine Ever Mine Ever Ours.

  So my girl Brandy reads my blog and a few days ago and she kept telling me that she wanted more love.  She wants to read about BOYS! LOVE! & any other of that ROMANTIC stuff. [She also wanted a shout out....] Truthfully it's kinda hard to write about all of that. Not alot of things get to me emotionally. So i don't easily get the urge to write about those things. Plus it falls in the category of PDA. Also known as Please Don't do it Around Me.  Maybe it's the non-girly side but i don't even like crying in front of people, so PDA is out of the question.
 You know who's relationship is too PDA-y for me right now? Matt Drake & Kayla Williams. Everyone else has seem to taken my advice, read my Rules for Dating in the Singles Ward. But not this couple. I'm not gonna lie, they are cute. Matt finally got a girl. But i do not want to see all of that. I almost wanted to delete Matt Drake as a friend on facebook cause I kept seeing all that PDA-y stuff on my home wall.
 I know everyone [probably just Brandy] wants to hear about that guy from Morroco who keep calling me every weekend to see if we can get back together or what happened to the German guy [ i have no idea what has come of him] or that guy in the ward who keeps texting funny/random things [it's never been so difficult to tell if someone likes you or not] but i'm not going to write about about them! Cause how can i write about something i'm not even sure about.
  Give me some time. I'm looking for someone [not too hard though really]. And when i find someone i'll tell you [ but just not too much]
 Post Scriptum: How many guys does a girl have to make-out with before guys begin to think it's TOO MANY?

Sunday, 23 January 2011

Application to Be My Best Friend

Recently one of my best friends has pissed me off, to the point where i think i might need a new one. But I don't really want to leave it up to chance. No no, leaving it up to chance is for suckers. And I look to good to be a sucker. 
If you think you got it then fill out the form and send it to

Application to Be Jersey's New Best Friend


How many times have you ever watched "Gladiator"?
How many times have you said "flip" in the past week?
Favorite Quote?
What are the five food groups?
Favorite Website: 
Favorite Color:
What's your wing span?
Favorite Pizza Topping:
What martial arts do you specialize in?
Did you spend your time learning martial arts with a bushy-eyebrowed old man from Asia?
Did you eventually become the master?
How many guys have you made out with since high school?
What's your favorite Will Ferrell movie?

If you answered anything other than "Talladega Nights: A Ballad of Ricky Bobby", you can stop right here, because there's no way you can be my best friend.

Do you own heels?
What is your Color Code Color?
Does your family have a history of ugly people?
Who is better looking: Channing Tatum or Eric Dane?
What is your Myers-Briggs type?
Have you served in the military?
Was it a secret branch? 
What was the name of that branch?
What is your astrological sign?
Can you incapacitate someone using only your pinky?
Can you eat a 2lbs burger?
Can you speak another language?
What is your position on taking naps?
What is your favorite Disney princess?
Have you ever been molested by a Carebear?
What is your favorite video game?
What is your favorite television show?
Do you like cuddling?
How many hours do you spend listening to music?

NOTE: If you are a guy, tear up this application and just send a picture of yourself with your shirt off, all sweaty. Preferably with tools around you.  

I, the undersigned, residing in the county of __________, state of ________, do hereby declare my intent to shop, hang out, party, and participate at laughing at Jersey's jokes and anything else Jersey Previlon deems appropriate. I accept that submission of the above application represents my consent to participate in pre-Best Friends Activities and/or Colorblind to determine the most qualified applicant. I recognize the possibility of humiliation if not picked as a new best friend. I release, discharge and agree to hold harmless Jersey Previlon and her other best friends from any and all liability, claims or demands arising from participating/becoming Jersey Previlon's best friend. 

The undersigned have read and fully understand and agree to the forgoing. 

     Applicant Signature

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

Finally...2lbs of Meat In My Stomach

Well Kinda.

So let me start with if any of youse give me grief about this, then i will see if you can try to put two lbs of any kind of meat in your mouth. [TWSS]
   So Walter and David get to The Counter and they pre order my burger for me. Just so everyone knows i'm black. I like my red meat to have no pink at all. I'm sorry. I'm not like youse white folk who like to have a bit of pink to insure the tenderness. No no no. I'm pretty sure in Africa they cook that meat to look like the color of their skin and that is how i'm going to eat it too. I'll date white guys, but i'm not going to eat like them.  But anyways Walter pre orders my burger and he gets it wrong so they have to throw it back onto the grill [and just so you know the second patty definitely had some pink in it]. 
  As we sit there waiting for my burger, i choose my topping. Now let me tell you about the topping, i wanted to make sure that i had a chance to finish this burger. So topping were scarce...had me some spicy peppercinis and BBQ sauce. Simple and good. 
  Then a plate of 2lbs of meat was sitting right in my face [TWSS]. 

I grabbed my fork and knife and ate the 1 3/4 lbs like a boss. Actually Walter wouldn't even admit it [and i shouldn't admit it either] but i ate the first 1 lbs like it was nothing and Walter knew that was something he could never do. But eventually i began to eat slower and slower to the point i couldn't even chew anymore. As i began to chew slower and slower, Walter and Danielle thought it would be okay to just dig in my meat. They just went for it since they thought that i wouldn't finish. So technically I never said i gave up! Boogers just began to dig into my food when they saw me slowing down. So there ya go, that is the story of how i got 1 3/4 lbs of meat in my mouth [TWSS]
Post Scriptum: If I missed any "That What She Said"s just make a mental note of it and write me a letter 7 years from now and i'll get to it then. Thanks. 

Monday, 17 January 2011

Sushi or Snow?

Looks like we got both.
*This is a dramatic written story about a weekend that made Georgia the laughing stock of the east coast*
So the story begins with Danielle & I going over Samah house so i could meet his family. Because of my addiction to sushi I need to have sushi right then and there. So we finally convince Samah Abbnaserddine (Yeah try saying that three times fast… bed) and his sister Mirna to go to get sushi with us. We left around 8:30 ate really fast and tried to book it home. Well we never made it to Samah house by car. Because as Danielle was driving down the hill on Johnson Creek in Marietta and we started sliding, cars everywhere sliding. Left and right. Cars getting into accidents. Cars stopping. Cars going. So instead of trying to navigate ourselves through the wreckage we decided together [actually Samah yelled that we should blow this banana stand] that we would trek our way to his place. So I threw on my most comfortable shoes threw on some pants whatever clothes we had in the car and we walked. We walk about six miles [maybe more] in the heavy falling snow. We walked and walked and walked. It got so bad at one point Danielle and I even began singing Called To Serve "Onward ever onward as we glory in his name.." Felt like we were the pioneers making our way to Utah. To be truthful I really couldn't stop laughing at our situation. It was so funny that I literally had to stop myself from thinking i was going to pee on myself because I didn't want to get frostbitten and cut off my beautiful long legs. So we finally make it to his subdivision. You would think that our story is coming to an end right?! Samah lives on a fr*!#ing hill! So i'm busting my a$$ up the hill then down the hill. We finally get close to Samah house and his wonderful dad comes up half way up the hill with two umbrella's and to help us down the stupid hill. [Really i don't know how umbrella were going to help our situation but it was the thought of the wonderful Lebanese man had that counted]
  Well we finally get his house but we cannot leave cause 1. he lives on a steep hill and no one has a four wheel drive and even if you do, it doesn't matter cause it's too slippery to leave. 2. Danielle's car gets towed because it was hit by a police car and another car. AND 4. We really didn't want to leave cause his family was really hospitable and Samah's mother is the best [Lebanese] cook.
So with good food i never really wanted to leave.
But eventually the snow melted and i got tired of looking at Samah's tall a$$ and hearing Samah's "Halah Halah Halah Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey" Plus I wanted to see my own family. So I "holla"ed at my best friend Mamasita [Briana Philips] to picks me up in the Beast [the Expedition] and I slept for days on ends. Or until i had to go to work the next day.
Post Scriptum: Actually my story really doesn't end there, I also had to sleep with the elderly for an evening cause I got stuck at work for a day. Let me tell you Death lives at the Independent Home. Death. No wonder all those old people are so grumpy old grouches. Old Farts.

Questions That Will Be Answered On The Otherside

1. Why do people get lost in the Bermuda Triangle?
2. What happened to the Roanoke Colony?
3. What happened to Micheal Jackson's other glove?
4. Is "Nessie" a.k.a. The Loch Ness Monster real?
5. Where IS Waldo?
6. What is the krabby patty secret formula?
7. Why didn't Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever hook up?
8. Are Men really from Mars?
9. What happened to Justin Gaines?
10. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
11. What day did the music really die?
12. How many licks does it take to get the center of a tootsie pop?
13. If a tree falls in a forest and no one but a deaf person is around to hear it does it make a sound?
14.  Who is the Mothman?
15. Why is yawning contagious?

Tuesday, 4 January 2011

Places Where NOT To Meet A Guy

  1. The Men's Bathroom 
        For some reason the men's bathroom just doesn't sound too appeasing. I mean they just got done doing their business. Why would you want to run into a guy in there? The only reason why you should be in the men's bathroom is because there is a long line at the girl's bathroom and you have the balls to use the men's bathroom.             
  2. At A Nude Beach 
        Do you literally want to show him all of your imperfections that early on? I would wait until you know he want you to have his babies. After that point you can pretty much do whatever you want. That includes gaining weight.
  3. The Rocky Horror Picture Show
    Two words. He ain't even straight.
  4. A Walmart in Alabama
    Can anything be more country [or ghetto]? Only in the south [and BYU-I] do we value Walmart so much that we will let it be our matchmaker of love.
  5. The Honor Code Class
    At BYU [& Idaho] if we break the honor code we have to take a class almost like detention, actually a lot like detention to try to insure that we don't break it again. Just imagine you sitting in class then there is cute guy in front of you but the only thing that is running through your head is "what did he do to get himself in here" and he's probably thinking the same thing about you too. Do you want to start off your relationship off that way?
  6. Planned Parenthood Clinic Waiting Room 
    This guy is waiting for his preggo girlfriend while she has her ultrasound [why isn't he with his girlfriend? I don't know; DOUCHE] or he has an STI and need to talk to the doctor for some antibiotics.
  7. The Corner where Mexican's stand for work 
    No Job, No Green Card, No Thank you.
  8. The QT Gas Station
    Better than Walmart at least.  
I don't know why I felt like this need to be written. But why not?

Post Scriptum: Sadly I've actually met a guy at one of these places.