Saturday, 25 December 2010

How To Lose A Guy In 7 Ways

  1. Show him you've been paying attention.
    Mimic him. Try to talk exactly like him, laugh exactly like him. Try to even think like him. The best flattery is to mimic the person you like. Wearing/buying clothes that look like his is going to far…but wearing his underwear isn't.
  2. Mesmerize him with your wonderful vocabulary.
    Wow him with your text friendly acronyms as MUCH as possible. (OMG, J/K, TTYL, W/E) when he gets tired of this then include more advance words for example: like, totally, for realz, get out, that's hot and my favorite nu uh!
  3. Make X your favorite letter and his worst nightmare.
    Include your ex's to social activities with your current boyfriend as much possible. Need ideas for activities? CPR training (pick your ex as your partner), pottery classes (think Ghost), shopping (but only ask your ex to come to the fitting room).
  4. Be all up in his Facebook
    Send and accept as many friend request as possible. Constantly update your status with every mundane task. Oh and all of those friends you've made yeah they are your new therapist/friends. Don't be afraid to tell them all of your problems and business. In graphic detail. Sooner or later your boyfriend will realize that you're not happy, he'll want to talk to you and you'll use your new words that you've acquired and say "We can't be b/f and g/f anymore but it's w/e cause we can still be friend. Ttys" Now you can change your status to "Single"
  5. Make his opinion count…for NADA! He likes you with long hair, you're getting a rihanna hair cut. He says go left, go right. He wants Italian you want Sushi! You get my jist. 
  6. Watch him in his sleep...all night long. Think "She's the Man" and when he wakes up make sure he knows he's been watch all night long. He'll be able to tell with your dark circles and your crazy hair.
  7. Talk in baby talk all day with babys breath…no I'm not talking about the flower I'm talking about your mouth smelling like milk and vomit. Just like a baby.
I'm tired of all these self help book trying to help you get a man… sometimes you gotta get rid of one. But if you don't wanna go through all of these steps maybe you just need to say "Nigga we over, i've found me another man (or sugar daddy if you want it to sound like the real thing) who wants to pay my bills" and if he's still not buying it then just top it off with "Plus I gotta have a baby soon cause my eggs time bomb is a ticking and he's willing to support all of this and move to College Park to have our wonderful[ghetto]family" Babies and Money always make guys leave, at least that's what i've been told.

Sunday, 12 December 2010

The Care and Ownership of Your Boobs/Junk

1. If you jiggle, wear a bra. This means you. (Yes, you) it is not antifeminist.
2. No matter how puny your equipment, don't wear the kind with giant pads inside. If a guy "accidently" bumps into them (like in a steamy car, or on the make out couch) he will wonder why they feel like Nerf balls instead of boobs. And if you forget and wear a normal bra one day, everyone will then speculate on the strange expanding and contracting nature of your boobage. 
3. Do not adjust your self more than twice around the ladies. The first time is cause your uncomfortable, the second time is cause you thought you got away with it with no girls seeing and the third time yeah you just playing with yourself
4. This is when I think everyone should be a little bit Jewish. Circumcision. Nuff said. 
5. A helpful hint: for optimal shape , go in the bathroom stall and hike them up inside the bra.
6. Do not perform the above maneuver in public, no matter how urgent you think it is. 
7. For those who hold their junk (ehm..Niggaz) Do you think it's going to go somewhere? Either wear your pant's higher or keep your hands away from your junk. 
8. If your wondering what should hold your junk...Boxers or Briefs? It should be Boxers. Maybe Boxer Briefs...but I'm advertising this. Just advertising that i don't want to see your panties almost look like mine. 
9. Get yourself sized! Every few months to makes sure your still the same size and after you've lost/gained weight. Cause we want your boobs to be the best boobs they can be, well supported and higher for optimal perkiness. 
10. Colored bra's should match your outfit or be flesh tone. Unless your making statement, and in that case I would like to make a statement too. You hiz-whore no one wants to see your bra. 
11. Self examination: What do you think Mo-vember was for? For your health?! Wait it actually is was. So check your junk. If it's looks a little funky or feels a but lumpy. Get checked. 
12. Self examination: Feel for abnormal lumps around your boob and underarm area. Mammograms yearly if there is history of breast cancer in your family.  Plus this is reason to say someone touched your boobs. You just don't have to tell them it was you or doctor! 

Thursday, 9 December 2010

Boy-Speak An Introduction To A Foreign Language

What he says: I never felt this was before.
What is understood: He loves me!
What he means: Can we get to the nether regions now?

What he says: I’ll call you
What is understood: He’ll call me
What he means: I don’t want to see you again.

What he says: It’s not you it’s me.
What is understood: He’s got something meaningful going on in his life tha’s blacking him from being anyone’s boyfriend, even mine. Even though he likes me so much.
What he means: It's you not me.

What he says: You deserve better.
What is understood: He cares so much for me, he wants the best for me even if it means he'll have to give me up. 
What he means: I deserve better. 

What he says: We're just a different points in out lives.
What is understood: I don't know where i'll be or want in a few years and I don't want to drag you down with me. 
What he means: You're beneath me. (That's what she said) 

What he says: I need to focus on my career. 
What is understood: He wants to be stable in his career before he is stable in his relationship
What he means: I'm crushing on a coworker. 

What he says: I wish it could have worked out between us.
What is understood: There is something that is blocking his ability to be with me. 
What he means: I wish I didn't have to have this conversation. 

What he says: I don't want a girlfriend right now. 
What is understood: I'm gay. 
What he means: I'm interested in someone else. (Probably your best friend) 

What he says: I'm just not your type
What is understood: We just don't mesh well together. It's his fault. 
What he means: You're not my type. 

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Rules for Dating in The Singles Ward

 When I was in high school I kept a journal and I loved making lists. Just random list of things you should or shouldn't do. One of these list was Rules for dating in School. But as I was looking at the list I realized that alot of these still apply just with a few tweaks & changes. Changed to Dating in the Singles Ward

Rules for Dating in the Singles Ward
1. Don't kiss in the foyer, YSA activities or staircase better yet in any small enclosed space near a crowd of people. It annoys everyone. 
2. Don't let your boyfriend walk with his hand on your butt either. It is even more annoying than the kissing in public. 
3. If your friend of yours has no date for some ysa activity and you do, you must do reconnaissance work and find out who might be available to take your friend. 
4. Never ever kiss someones else's boyfriend. If status is unclear, ask around and find out. Double check your facts. Unless you roll like that. And In that case girl keep away from boyfriend (if I had one) cause s#!+ about to go down. 
5. If your friend has already said she likes a guy and you like him too. Then you my friends have a friendly competition. There is no dibs on guys and no back stabbing on girlfriends. Seriously most of the guys in the ward aren't worth losing a good friend over. *Notice I wrote good friend*. 
6. Don't ignore your friends once you get a boyfriend. This is a no-no.
7. Dating doesn't have to be everybody's business. Actually it shouldn't. I should only know if you Break Up, Get Engaged or If Maury tells you he is the Father! 

 I know this list isn't complete. But if you have any suggestions leave a comment and any funny/good add-on to the rules will be added to the official list in a few days.
Post Scriptum: If your on Maury then you got bigger problems.